Google and Facebook Caught in Bidding War for Island Volcano Fortress

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In a new and not altogether surprising twist, Facebook and Google have come to blows over real estate. This time though it’s far from Silicon Valley, it’s a small volcanic island off the coast of Japan. Both companies have a fairly large presence in Asia, so it’s unclear exactly how much of an advantage the island would afford them in terms of business, but the island has been prime real estate for large companies for decades and it rarely stays available for long.

Since first being furbished for operation by Osato Chemicals in the seventies, the volcano fortress has played host to Microsoft, IBM, MySpace and Virgin. Up until recently it was owned by News Corporation, but Rupert Murdoch has since vacated the property as work has finally been completed on his new headquarters on the dark side of the moon.

The volcano is inactive, and a secret hatch at the mouth opens to reveal a missile silo. Rumour has it that Zuckerberg intends to retrofit it as a Launchpad for Facebook’s new line of drones, whereas Google intend to keep it as is, having recently created a new, business-centric version of Google Maps that enables corporations to strategically bomb their competitors. Zuckerberg is also reportedly interested in implementing the compliment of ninjas come bundled with the island. It’s unclear exactly what he intends to use them for, but the CEOs of Ello and Diaspora have both gone into hiding.

Thus far, neither company has given any ground, with bid prices now exceeding $1 billion (but you have to say it with your little finger on the edge of your mouth otherwise it doesn’t count). Twitter made a brief, ill-fated attempt to stake their claim on the property, but pulled out after 3 of their most senior consultants were lowered into a tank of piranhas. Their CEO is already blaming himself for this incident; it seems to be his hobby at this point.

Google CEO Larry Page has yet to comment on the schism between the two companies, but in the past few weeks any search made for Facebook or Facebook-related material on Google platforms have been redirected to the YouTube page for the Ludacris track ‘Move B*** (Get Out the Way)’. Mark Zuckerberg meanwhile appeared in a bizarre press conference during which he wore a large blue cape with an F emblazoned on the back. He also appears to have shaved his head and grown a Fu-Manchu style moustache. His statement consisted of nothing but 5 solid minutes of maniacal laughter. Buzzfeed have already published 7 articles listing the highlights of the conference. They are all exactly the same.

Callum Davies

Callum is a film school graduate who is now making a name for himself as a journalist and content writer. His vices include flat whites and 90s hip-hop. Follow him @CallumAtSMF

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